Why I didn't love my first pride.

Pride was a disaster. Or so it seems. I saw my ex there and wanted to chat like him like we had texted. When I went to speak with him and introduce him to my friends he seemed distant and chatted for a few moments before disappearing into the crowd. At the time I thought nothing of it. Later in the evening I saw him right by the ringleaders side. He wouldn't talk to me, and that hurt so much. We ended on the best terms possible, but the ringleader must have told him not to speak with me. I saw the group of people I used to call friends, and I didn't give a fuck. But seeing my ex standing among their ranks was horrible. That was Saturday Night. The last friend I had in that group that would text me told their was a reason that no one could talk to me, but he couldn't tell me. I assume the ringleader had something to do with it. We'll get to him though. Sunday night I went to my first gay bar. It was disappointing. Because my friends and I had to leave that one when 18+ hours were over, we went to another gay bar. It was 21+ but we weren't asked for our IDs so we hung out there for awhile. I chatted with a few gay guys. Turns out they know of the ringleader. He had stolen some of their friends years back. It was nice to know that I wasn't the only one seeing the ringleader the way I saw him. While I chatted with a few gay guys, I've decided on not to pursue anything. I've dealt with far too much drama in the past few weeks, and I'm going to make it easier on myself by not having to deal with anymore. The girl who was magic to me is becoming crazier in her partying and what not. If you knew me you'd know that's precisely the opposite of me. I can't stand the taste of alcohol, and I'm a law abiding citizen. The ringleader messaged me yesterday out of the blue. We talked briefly about upcoming movies. I hated that I liked talking to him again, but it didn't stop me. Like a bad addiction I think I need to go cold turkey. (Going cold turkey is often never the solution to a bad addiction. Taper off people!) Tonight he sends me a message, "Come give me a massage." While this is a joking message I knew this was his way of seeing if I would rejoin is coven of gays. (They're like witches but nastier) My response was "Um no I'm working on my computer." His response you might ask? "Oh" Ladies and gentleman I'm happy to announce that I have the upper-hand.  Can't help but feel more and more that I'm ready to leave this town. Do you ever want to run away and assume a new identity in a town that would know nothing over your past? I do. The problem is, I wouldn't know who I want to be, because I haven't yet found who I truly am. Perhaps with  time though right? I'm not sure If I really believe that, but I want to. I apologize again to my faithful readers and those who email me. I get so caught up in everyday life that I forget to write when I really should.

I haven't made any mention of the Christian part of me lately have I? I still believe that this is sin. I have to. It's in the New Testament. I wish it was an only old Judaic law kind of thing. But I believe God has a purpose for everything. While God may not delight in my sin, he has a purpose for it that will ultimately bring Him glory. I try and write down feelings and being lost in thought when I experience it on my phone so I can capture the most vivid and true feelings. Here's one I felt the other day while at my church at midnight. In the gym down the hallway other students were drinking root beer floats and chatting, but I got away from the crowd so I could answer a phone call.When I hung up the phone I was by the pitch black sanctuary. This is what I wrote as I sat in a pew that night.

"Its here in this empty sanctuary that I feel closest to God. Its funny how everything feels so different without all the people in here. Its empty of people but filled with God's presence. I'd stay here forever if I could. That means something. I just need to figure it out."

I best be going. I have to be up early for orientation at college tomorrow. I'll write again.
Adrian

Email me at Adrianonhisway@gmail.com

Digging up thoughts from my subconscious.

I'm nervous. Tomorrow I'm going to my first Pride festival. I plan on uploading a pic or two of myself and friends at Pride. I know I'll receive a plethora of inbox messages from people. These messages will vary from support to possible hate. I don't want that to stop me though from doing it. I'll be sure to write tomorrow about my experience.

Now about that journal part of this whole thing.
I feel empty yet again. It is in these periods of limbo between happiness and sadness that I feel the worst. I don't know whether it's been the tedium of these past few weeks, but something is getting me again. I read somewhere the other day that men experience similar hormonal cycles as women, and quite frankly I could see that. Teachers at my high school used to always say Only God satisfies. Maybe that's true. Nothing else has satisfied yet I suppose. I think this being upset is stemming from my lack of passion for anything. Nothing I do really interests me. I work 30+ hours a week at my job, and that job consists of standing around and doing nothing essentially. Sounds great right? Getting paid to do nothing!

 Its in those moments of standing around that I realize I'm selling hours of my life for minimum wage. Hours that I can never get back. While I lean against the counter their thinking, I realize that I'll probably just spend those few dollars that cost me days of my life on clothes I'll wear to work. It's a disgusting cycle, and I'm glad I'll be over with it in a few months. At least I hope so. My major I'll be studying is a "realistic" major, but I'm also interested in it. I won't sell my life to what I don't love for a cheap price. Its really lifestitution (Prostitution+Life=Lifestitution) when you think about it.

The problem is I like the people I work with and to leave them and go work elsewhere would be very difficult. My primary friend group is my co workers, and there is no guarantee I'd be able to retain those friendships if I were to seek a part time job I'd love. Plus who would hire a kid for 2 and half months?

Its really weird. I truly don't realize I'm having these thoughts until I write. My mind is a mixture and a keyboard is sifting everything out.

Remember that girl that made me straight? Well I texted her letting her know how I think she's very gorgeous. She said thanks. So there's that. Maybe I should write her a letter how it's more than that. I don't just think she's gorgeous. When I'm with her I'm not me and I don't want anything for myself. I want whatever makes her happy. Anything for her.
 But I digress....I'm going to Pride tomorrow...well actually today now. Time moves so much faster in the dark.

Adrian

P.S. If you don't listen to Lana Del Rey go listen to her. Her music is marvelous. Dark Paradise and Radio are some of my favorites.

I want a cabin.

I'm often lost in my own thoughts. A brush of wind will linger on my skin or a scent will waft by me and I'll suddenly be transported to a world miles and years away. I don't think I'm special in how this happens. It's science, everyone remembers happy memories with smell. What makes me special though is how long I stay in those memories. I'll linger then in my mind looking at my memories of my surroundings. I 'll seek to remember how the sand felt under my toes on my family vacations when I was younger, or I'll try to feel the emotions that I felt. I have so many thoughts, so many feelings. To not right them down I feel I'd be robbing myself of being able to come back in the future and experiencing what my 18 year old self felt and thought.
Someday I want to own a cabin on a lake. A family friend of mine own a small not elegant cabin on a beautiful lake in Minnesota.  I've visited once or twice. I was abruptly taken back to this cabin tonight when the cooler air rushed over my skin as I drove with my windows down. While at the cabin my family and their family would swim and ski in the lake or go hiking through the bear infested woods (seriously though a bear ate the neighbors dog...or something like that). It was a fun place, but what I noticed most about the cabin though was that it was a quiet place. When people weren't talking or splashing in the lake, you only heard the sounds of nature. I truly miss that. The house wasn't large by any means, in fact,  I had to sleep in a tent outside. There were bears in the woods! #parenting? But the house was like home. 2 very small bedrooms, and a kitchen that blurred into the living room. I just can't help but feel if I had a cabin I could be happy whenever the world felt like too much. To anyone over 18 reading this thinking "Kids these days think they have it so hard" piss off. I want a cabin that I can go to and leave my cell phone behind. I'd take my laptop to type on, but that'd be it. I don't know why this is affecting me so much, but I'm just really happy right now. Lots of my friends talk about how they want to move to California or New York. I think that's great of them, but since I've accomplished my dream of getting a full ride to a state school I feel directionless. For the past 6 years of my life ( I worked hard in junior high) I have been working hard in school just so I can get this scholarship. Well I got it, but now what? It's just kind of nice to have something I want in life. I may not know if I want to marry a guy or a girl. I may not know if I want to stay in the mid-west or move coastal, but I'll tell you this. I want a cabin.

Adrian

Write to me at Adrianonhisway@gmail.com
or feel free to Kik message me at iamadrianb

Just when I thought high school was over.

I'm so fucking pissed right now. I don't even know where to fucking start.

You know that girl who I was supposed to go on a date with? Well she was talking to other guys at the same time sending hearts and winky faces and shit asking them to go out for ice cream. In other words. DONE with her!

That's not even the real reason I'm mad right now. It past blogs I've mentioned a friend that still partied and didn't want to grow up. He has his boyfriend and they have a nice little apartment. Let's call him "The Ringleader." I'll be calling him this because he essentially is the king of lots of the younger gay guys in the area. The other day I chose to go out for dinner with my family instead of go over to his house for dinner. I got a text message shortly after telling me how I'm a shitty self centered friend and he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. This is coming from a 28 year old! Someone needs to learn some maturity! After that text I never responded. I was excommunicated just like that. All the friends I had made through him simply stopped any communication with me. Just now, as I'm writing this, my mutual friend I knew before I met the ringleader is texting me about how I'm a shitty person and all I do is talk about myself. I tried to draw his attention to the fact that the ringleader is just trying to turn him against me. It's not working. I'm so tired of this high school drama. I graduated a week ago. I don't need to deal with this. So write now I'm writing because I'm receiving text messages about how I talked poorly of my friend when I never did. I can't stand it when false accusations are made about me. This friend that I actually thought was my friend his sending me text messages full of hatred and loathing. I don't know what to fucking do. All of my gay "friends" have turned on me like a pack of wolves. The worse part is, when I was with them they'd always be talking about other people. I once asked, "Do you talk about me behind my back?" They of course said no. I'm certain now they do. I guess I'm just so angry and sad at the same time. I don't know whether to cry or yell.

Help

Time to take the plunge.

As a child did you ever wait in line for a roller coaster only to chicken out once it came your turn? I did. I feel like that's where I am now. I've made it to the front of the line. I'm a graduate. I made it through without getting detected and kicked out. I'm proud of my stealth. I can tell people that I'm bi now, but I'm just not sure if I want to climb aboard this roller coaster. School teachers will shake their heads and say "I thought he was such a good kid." Nothing really has changed though. The only thing that will change is their knowledge. Also, before anyone who reads this says, "Don't listen to what anyone says." I would like to say I care about these peoples opinions of me because I care about some of these teachers. They're really family to me. 

So about this ever changing love life of mine....Well she reschedule again. Its come to the point that I think I just need to leave the ball in her court. Its kind of up to her now to make the next move. Am I sad that its already come to this? I am a little, but I'm also okay with it. Just knowing, that for a brief moment we tried for it is enough. You understand what I'm saying? She had always been my "first love" and I just wanted to give it a chance again so I wouldn't always be wondering what if. It felt magical when I saw her again for the first time, but it seems that magic wasn't there for her. That sounds really depressing, but it's reality. If I were writing this in the winter, I'd probably be much for depressed and cynical, but its summer. I couldn't be happier. Today I sat outside under a tree in the shade and turned of my phone for 10 minutes. I breathed in the chill fresh summer air. I listened to the birds chirping and fluttering about building nests. I was there in the moment. For a rare moment in my life, I wasn't rushing to the next thing to check off my eternal checklist for the future week, month, or year. I think I would have liked to have someone to sit out under that tree with. Not to kiss or hold, but to just experience that peacefulness with.

I'm going to start telling close friends I'm bi. It's time. I've opted to not post something gayish on facebook. I have too many crazy friends that would freak out. Maybe they're not my friends if that's their reaction, but I've always believed in living at peace with everyone and being friends with everyone. Since its summer I'll be writing more, so expect to hear how I'm persecuted and burnt at the stake! Well....if I'm burnt at the stake I probably won't be able to write...because I'll be dead. 

Love all you guys and gals!

Adrian

Boyfriend? Girlfriend? And incessant thoughts of the future

I promised I would write soon, and I didn't fulfill that promise. Let me apologize to my few readers who remain loyal. 

About that boyfriend:

I was set up about a month back with a cute kid on the opposite side of town. He was a year younger, and he certainly looked young. We texted a lot and hung out when we could meet at our mutual friend's house. D (we'll call my boyfriend that) was shy in person, and I guess you could say I was around him too. I went into the relationship knowing that it'd end at the end of summer and that he lived on the other side of town. We couldn't really see each other at our houses (His parents seemed to be only half approving as well). We held hands once or twice, and then we awkwardly cuddled during a movie. We eventually made out, but nothing felt right. I texted him the other day saying what I truly felt. I thought we just lived too far apart, and it didn't feel natural. It was really too forced. He couldn't have agreed more. I got a 6 message text back from him saying how he felt exactly the same way and how he wanted to still hang out and what not, just not try to make something happen that wasn't there. It was a huge relief, and I'm single again.

About this girlfriend:

I don't really know what I even bothered trying for a relationship. In 3 months I'll move away to college and I'll leave behind all these people. (Rivers and Roads by the Head and the Heart anyone?) This knowledge didn't stop me when I saw her though. In my life I have been inexplicable attracted to 3 people. The girl who I've referred to in my writing was the second. This girl I ran into at a friends grad party was the first. She saw me and ran up to me throwing her arms around me. This all felt so right! We sat and talked at the party for a few minutes, and in her presence nothing else mattered. She told me how she and her longtime boyfriend had broken up, and that gave me hope. While I didn't get too much out of my relationship with D I did gain confidence. I made blatant hints at taking her too a movie, and that night we made plans to go to a movie. She asked me if I asked her on a date. I told her yes. Its been about a week since I've seen her, and I feel like her glow has faded from me. I want to see her again.

The future:

I constantly worry. I tell myself its calculating and planning which I imagine it kind of is.  I can't help but look at my friend who set me up with D. He's nearing his thirties, and he and his boyfriend work as managers at department stores. From what I've gathered from observing their lives, they go to the theater on weekday nights to see movies and the clubs on the weekends to get plastered.  I look at them, and I worry about my own future if I follow their path.  That is NOT what I want my life to become. When I think about repeating that over and over again I get sick. Don't get me wrong, I love movies. Its just they don't seem matured to me. They don't seem like grown ups too me. I know I don't have to follow their life, but it seems like a lot of gay guys are trapped in their teens perhaps? They're not at all like Cam and Mitchell from Modern Family! I think I'd like a gay relationship like Cam and Mitchell haha.

I worry that if I start seeing E (The girl) i'll have to leave all my gay friends behind, or they'll leave me behind. Gay guys are so hostile to bi guys. I graduate today. (As I write this midnight has just struck). I don't plan on suddenly posting anything to Facebook saying anything about being bi, because why should I create problems for myself. I have so much more to say. I'll probably be changing blogs soon though. I won't be a high school student anymore after tomorrow. ;)

Email me at Adrianonhisway@gmail.com

Share the blog if you'd like.

I'll be back. 

-Adrian

A lot has changed.

A lot has changed

Since I last wrote, the time I spend with gay friends has increased drastically. Whilst being with my new gay friends I've come across a common opinion that really upsets me. Gay guys hate bi guys. It turns out that if you say you are Bi every gay guy will either distrust you because "You just don't know you're gay" or they'll think you're just a whore. This is completely stupid. I'm sorry that I feel attracted to both sexes in some way or another. Just because I feel attracted to them doesn't mean I'm going to do everyone. That's just something I wanted to share.

I wasn't sure I would even come back to write anymore. My life has changed so much. I used to write because I felt depressed. I haven't felt that way in a good while. I think the antidepressants work and are working. I haven't felt the black wall or wave of oblivion sweep over me in probably a month. I'm not sure if this is only because of the weather though. If you knew me in person you'd know that two days of snowy gloominess can put me in a horrible mood, but at the same time a few days of sunshine can make me happier than a cat with a ball of yarn. (That last line was a little queer wasn't it) I'm not a huge fan of being on medication in the first place, so starting on antidepressants was pretty hard for me. About two weeks ago I decided to lower my dosage a third. I didn't feel anymore depressed, but I did feel  sudden stabbing pains in the back of my skull a few times. These stabbing pains are what is known as "Brain Shocks" in the medical community. (Source: Wikipedia) Scientists don't know what these "Brain Shocks" occur, and they are unsure whether they have any long term damaging affects. It was after I learned that my odd head pains were coming from withdrawal of the antidepressants that I really wanted to get off of them. I talked with my doctor a little, but He doesn't think I should quit yet. My mom thinks I should stay on them, because "The transition to college will be hard". The other day I forget to take any antidepressants in the morning and left for school. I remembered I didn't take one when I started feeling like death. The  "Brain Shocks" came back but with an extra unpleasant tingling sensation. I also became irritable. Not like I didn't get enough sleep irritable, but women PMSing irritable. (to all my readers with vaginas and menstrual cycles I apologize. Lets still be friends. Now I know what its like to be a woman? Oh! Also! The antidepressants suppress my sex drive. (We're friends so I can tell you personal things like that) I'm not really sure if I'm ready to go have sex, but I'd like to be able to want to if I wanted to. Understand? I don't know if I'm even ready for sex. I haven't even kissed my boyfriend. Which leads us to part two of A lot has changed: An Adventure into the Most Personal Details of Adrian's Life.

I hate to be a tease by I just looked at the clock. I have work in a few hours, and I am so tired. I will write soon. I hope my life experiences can help someone else. Even if reading this just makes you smile, I've accomplished something.

Adrian

Email me at Adrianonhisway@gmail.com