Dear Friends,I talked again with my mother tonight about why she thought I had needed to see a "counselor." She started guessing various things such as drinking, drugs, and the sort. I got out before she randomly guessed my sexuality.
I've started to meditate every now and then. I sit on the floor or such and just close my eyes and breath. I try to clear my mind of all things that cause me to worry. I've found this seems to be beneficial.
Today I am gay, but it doesn't matter. I could very well be straight tomorrow. I will say though that while I'm gay I don't find lots of the gay culture any easier to swallow. I hate how some of the gay people I know are just so crass and vulgar. I've been considering a guy as a possible life partner lately. It really is different. I big part of me wants to have kids. I understand there's always adoption, but I don't think it'll be the same. I feel free when I talk to my gay friends and when I write though. They understand (or somewhat understand) who I am and what I'm going through.
I have finally chosen a college. That, my friends, is an incredibly freeing feeling. It seems most of my friends will be going to another school. I'll know 4 people at the state university I'm going to. WOW! That is sort of just setting in. I'm really worried because I don't have a roommate, and I don't want to get placed with someone too crazy or different. I'm crazy to. I'm just better at masking it. If none of my other friends join me at this school I'm thinking I might be a different Adrian there. One who doesn't have to hide. I know the 4 people I know might judge me or tell my friends back home, and that is what I'm mostly worried about. I'll certainly be freer there than I am here. This is my life right now.
P.S. I understand the frequency and the length of my letters have seriously decreased, and I apologize. I wrote a lot in the beginning because I needed to write a lot. This blog is my primary outlet of my inner thoughts and emotions. I first started writing and was astonished by how many people were reading my blogs. I had to take a break because I was deviating from the original purpose of the blog. I was writing for reads, not writing because I needed to. I need to understand if a single person reads this and finds some help in it or some encouragement that they aren't alone, that that is just as good as if 500 people read it. Thank you