I would like to start off by clarifying something. On one of the posts I shared on Reddit it seemed some people were confused about what I would call myself. Honestly I don't really know. I'm not a huge fan of labels, but to the completely heterosexual person I imagine my sexual persuasion could be quite difficult to understand. I mentioned in my first post about my Bipolar sexuality, and that is probably the best way I'd describe it. Some days I can feel totally gay and want guys. Some days I don't want guys. Other days I'm perfectly caught in the middle of wanting and not wanting guys. The main thing here that I just noticed about myself is that I rarely am wanting girls. I will say there have been some girls that I very much wanted to have a relationship with, but I don't believe I've ever been really physically attracted to girls. Of course today I am leaning gay, so I wouldn't necessarily trust my words too much. Does that answer the question? If I were to label myself I suppose I'd say emotionally straight, and physically gay. Sound complicated? It is.
Today I would like to talk about my friend Thomas. Thomas is a perfect example of what my future could very well be. Last year my friend Thomas graduated from my very strict Christian school, during the end of his last semester somebody shared his secret about him being gay. I didn't hear about it till this past fall because the consequences were all behind the scenes. The biggest thing that happened was that he wasn't allowed to participate in service ministry because the pastor over the school thought Thomas was a bad representation. The worst part about that though is that the pastor didn't know at first, and Thomas went and told him because he wanted help. He wanted to not be gay. Some days I don't want to be gay. But the pastor turned on him. Thomas though also went and talked to another teacher, and unlike the pastor, the teacher was understanding and wished to help him. Thomas's relationship with his parents is strained now though. From what I heard the mom was devastated, and the dad was livid. I have reason to believe that my future would be quite similar if I were to come out in this last semester. The problem is though, I'm only occasionally gay. Want to know the funny part about this all? Thomas's mother once talked to me about rooming with Thomas when I go to college. She thinks I'd be a good influence on him. I imagine she thinks I'd be a good "Straight" influence on him. Thomas and I used to talk about how we don't want to be gay. We talked about how there is a girl out there for each of us that could make us forget about these feelings. We used to text each other and ask if we still believed the right girl is out there. We don't anymore. I don't want to be like Thomas. If I ever finally accept this gay lifestyle I don't want my life to be flipped upside down not on my terms. Some times I wish I had never experimented with that other guy.
The way I see it my life has two paths it could follow.
1. I become gay. I maybe continue my relationship with Christ or I let it crumble to peaces as I accept the sinful lifestyle.
2. I find the girl that makes me forget about all these feelings. She's a strong christian and we sharpen each other spiritually.
It is a lot to worry about. Honestly, what college I go to will decide which lifestyle I will pursue. I guess that's why the thought of college is stressing me out. I'm not just choosing a college, I'm choosing who I will be for the rest of my life.
Until next time,
Adrian
Hello Adrian. I just want to start out by saying I really like your writing style and I think it is awesome that you are getting this out there for other people to see.
ReplyDeleteI am a 19 year old, bisexual, college freshman, Whovian, Nerdfighter, musician, friend, brother, and son. Personally, I am not very religious. I do, however, understand how your devotion to your faith adds a whole new level of issues to your life. I wish I could help you with this part of your “problem”, but I’m trying to sound at least half-way intelligent here. You seem to definitely have a lot of stuff on your mind right now, and let me tell you I was the same way, especially going into my last semester of high school. At that time, I was just starting my first serious relationship (with a girl), juggling all sorts of school stuff, while also knowing in the back of my head that I like guys as well. I finished the semester strong, but a couple months into summer my relationship went sour and let's just say I don't talk to my ex any more. So there I was, staring college in the face and finally considering doing what I had long thought impossible…coming out. I ended up doing it, and everything went fine. I think my dad is still a bit freaked out, but I have noticed that he has made a conscious effort to tell me he loves me more ever since. We will just have to see how he reacts if I ever bring a boy home haha.
I was a pretty independent person even before college, but I think finally getting out of my house for a while really helped me to understand me. I think I feel more “myself” right now than I have ever felt in my life. I’m proud of who I am and however narcissistic this may sound, I long for the day that I can again share my love, my passion, and myself with someone else. Your feelings and inhibitions are not something that will just go away. It’s something that you will have to figure out and deal with on your own terms. It’s different for everyone and that is certainly the hardest part. What works for me probably won't work for you. You should do what personally feels right to you and regardless of where you end up, I feel that as soon as you get to college you might understand what I’m talking about a bit better.
I think my biggest point I want to get across to you is that way up top I listed a couple things about myself. Of the things that I listed, I consider my sexuality to be dead last in the things that define me. I am so much more than a guy who frankly gets turned on by looking at penises and vaginas. It is much more important to me that in this life I make genuine connections with people who are worth spending time with. You obviously value your faith very much, so let that define you before your sexuality.
I completely understand how this can be SO much to handle, especially at this part of your life when you already have so much going on. This is hard shit to write about and to talk about. Even just getting this down into words is hard for me, and this is coming from the guy who is trying to help. I don't quite know what this wall of text will mean to you, I don't know if it will help, or if you will even read it, but I have always thought that being able to communicate with someone who understands a least a little bit what you might be going through may help. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions and I look forward to reading more on this blog in the future :D
I feel like your blog is a really great idea, but I was honestly wondering, what's led you to believe that being gay (which is a very small aspect of lifestyle. Sexuality only makes up about 1/10th of any humans life, gay or not, unless they have an addiction to it.) means that person a lives a "sinful lifestyle?"
ReplyDeleteI really think that your blog will be good for you and for people that go through the same things as you. I'm not trying to offend any of your beliefs by asking this, but this question nagged at me the moment I read this post.
This blog is probably going to be really controversial, and I know how bad LGBT controversy can get, (I live in Texas) so you may want to put some kind of disclaimer about respectfulness and internet etiquette in your banner.
Good luck to you, sir, and may the odds be ever in your favor, may the force be with you, ect, ect.
I'd like to offer a 3rd option. Celibacy. Right now, as a straight christian guy, I see singleness for the rest of my life as a real possibility, and I look forward to either outcome. Lifelong celibacy gives you the opportunity to serve God without having to worry about a family.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I'm not sure where I stand on the sinfulness of homosexuality, but I am leaning a bit in your direction.
I just wanted to point out that not all people are meant to marry.