I broke down at work today. No one saw, and that is probably the best. This morning my mother asked me out of the blue if I needed to go to a councilor (her kinder choice of word over psychiatrist). In her words I've been "Bitter" and "Cynical" lately. I assume she said it because she was worried about me. I told her no and that I was just tired. I'm not tired though. I am bitter. I am very much cynical. 90 % of the time I'm bored, frustrated, and torn emotionally with life. I told her my writing is my therapy. Part of the time though you guys do help a lot, other times though people from r/Christianity are rude and condescending. I don't know what to do. Maybe a shrink would be good for me, but really I doubt it. I've almost come to believe that there is no answer for my problem. People tell me that being gay is a sin and if I just pray hard enough or long enough this will all go away. It hasn't. Other people tell me just to do whatever I want, whatever is pleasurable. I don't see that as biblical either. These are and were the thoughts going through my mind as I sat on the floor at work and as I sit and write this when I should be sleeping. My mother can see that this inner conflict is killing me. She just doesn't know what it is. If I could just be gay all the time this problem would be so much easier. I'd just say its who I am I can't change it! But there are days when I am so very not gay. Not at all. I watched "Silver Linings Playbook" tonight, and the entire time I was asking myself who are you more attracted to. Jennifer Laurence or Bradley Cooper? It was Jennifer Laurence. The problem though was that I was seeing that movie with all my gay friends. One of which who I find very much attractive. I'm leaving for a couple of days. I need a break from what I call reality. I might post once or twice more before then, but I'm having trouble putting these mangled thoughts into words.