"Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him.
Who art thou that judgest another man's servant? To his own master he standeth or falleth. Yes, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand." Romans 14:3-4
I feel this mask, this facade slipping. The more I write, the more I feel I'll need to choose a side. I've become short with my friends. It is almost as if there is this burning feeling in my chest. I need a vacation from this life. Let me replay a conversation that I was present for today at my school.
Student: Did you hear so and so is gay now?
Teacher: Really? *Shakes head*
The thing was that the teacher didn't shake his head in like anger or judgement, he shook his head is sadness. The thing is people assume christians are these hate filled people, but we're all not. That's the Westboro Baptist Church you're thinking of. My teacher was sad because he doesn't want this student to be living in sin. Sure some teachers talk about how gross homosexuals are and how they disgust them, but from what I've seen most teacher's hearts break over these kids. And I just stood by and watched this conversation occur. They had no idea.
Who knows what:
I've only told a handful of people about my occasionally homosexuality, of the which my parents were not included. Why haven't I told my parents? Because my father calls AIDS the gay disease. I do understand that it is a common disease in homosexual males, but still. He's the kind of guy that feels compelled to comment on all liberal news I have on. I love him though. He just wouldn't understand. My mother, well she was broached the subject gently a long time ago. I've suppressed the memory so much I can only remember part of the details. It went something like this
Mom: blah blah blah Something about liking boys?
Me: No! I like girls. (Not really sure if I did at the time.)
Of my friends, I've told 3 gay guy friends and one straight girl who is a friend. She was the first I told, and I've never struggled so much to say something out loud. I once tried talking to the teacher mentioned above. He knew something was coming, and while he said he would love to talk about whatever it was I was struggling with, he told me he thought I should talk to my parents first. I told him that wasn't going to happen, and I walked out. He only did that because he thought it was the right thing to do, but it wasn't what I needed at the time. All my gay friends tell me to follow my own passions, but in general I don't think they understand what it is to be a christian first and gay second. I really do want to tell a christian male. Someone who can give me biblical advice.
I would have to say one my strongest deterrents to accepting this lifestyle full force is one of my gay friends that knows about me. For the purpose of giving him a name I'll call him Brandon. This friend very much wants me to be gay. While he says he is a Christian, I'm not sure. One day he was trying to convince me Porn was okay. His reasoning consisted mostly of "Do what you want" and "There is no such thing as wrong". That is when my eyes were opened somewhat. I don't want my life to be "indulge in what sins you want because God will forgive you in the end" Isn't homosexuality in this category of sin?. Isn't it Paul that says we shouldn't go on sinning once we are saved.
Before you start accusing me of being some judgmental gay hater, please keep in mind while writing this article I've thought about a few guys multiple times. At all times I am constantly torn. I need a vacation.