Today I'm Straight?

I often receive emails or see comments in which people question why I call myself occasionally gay and not just bisexual. I say that because today I'm straight. That desire and unquenchable fire that makes me attracted to guys wasn't burning today. Did I find boobs suddenly attractive? Well, no I didn't. But this girl. This one girl....she...I'm feeling something so rare that I've only felt twice before. This time, it's towards a girl. More on that later though I suppose.

Today started and ended just like every other day. I woke up after snoozing 4 times and now I'm sitting at my laptop writing in an incognito window so if my parents look at my history they won't find my blog. As I have previously stated, school has grown to be quite mundane. Most will call it the Senior Syndrome or Senioritis, but I don't believe that's the case. I still work in my classes as much as any other year, there just isn't any excitement. I'm not saying I've mastered this whole "school" thing, but I kind of have. What? I'm not conceited. I glided through the school day singing Gavin DeGraw and Ed Sheeran to myself. My accounting class was just as tedious as ever. And to think! At what point that is what I wanted to do with my life. I often find myself wanting to leave school early pretending to be sick. Really, this is not like me. I am a "good" student. You can imagine I sort of feel like the pastor in the scarlet letter. Everyone assumes I'm this awesome role model too follow, but they have no idea. I didn't leave early though, I stuck it out. No letters came from either of my college choices about full tuition scholarships, which is quite disappointing.  I could really use one of those right about now. 

Is it love:

I really wanted to title this paragraph "What is Love?" but I feel like the song and SNL skit would come to mind and distract the reader from the main topic of the paragraph... Love to me is an unending commitment to another person that is filled with selflessness, passion, and compassion. I think there is something almost magical to love too. Let me explain. 3 times in my life I've seen someone and my heart stopped. I wanted the person, I wanted to be everything for the person, I wanted to know them, and I wanted them to know me. I wanted to sit at a coffee shop and stare into their eyes for hours just because. Of these 3, 2 have been female and 1 male. The first lady is currently in an on again off again relationship, and quite frankly I've given up. The guy is in a relationship with a lady, but I'd guess he is somewhat curious from stories I've heard. He would always jokingly flirt with me and throw his arm over my shoulder. The last girl, well she is unlike anything. Several times I've wanted to message her on facebook to tell her, but when the sun came up it always seemed like a stupid idea. I saw her tonight. While we didn't speak tonight like we have before, I still felt something. A friend of mine once told me "Rejection hurts a lot less than regret." This girl...she makes me forget about being gay. In the glow of her beauty all my gay desires and lusts are shattered. I could have kids and raise a family with her...

Praying:

Recently I've chosen to pray for God to make me what he wants me to be. To point me in the direction he wants for my life. Is she it?

Adrian

If you have an comments, questions, or concerns feel free to email me at Adrianonhisway@gmail.com