Today has been too long, and I'd really like to go to sleep. When I wake up though I never feel like writing. It is only in the darkness that I feel so inclined to share my deepest darkest secrets with total strangers over the internet.
The big question you're probably wondering is "Is Adrian Straight today?"
My answer is, I don't know. Unlike the other day where I felt super 0 kinsey scale status, today I feel tragically caught in the middle.
What about the love of my life?
All those feelings I felt for her are still there I guess, but I don't know if they're there for her as much as they are for Her. I'll explain. I think I'm starting to realize that this girl and I wouldn't be compatible. At least that's what I'm being told. Its depressing though. To my super straight readers, you have no idea how frustrating and saddening struggling with your sexuality can be. When I'm around her I just feel so perfectly straight. Like I'm confident in my sexuality, and for just awhile I know who I am. You don't know how wonderful that is. Like Jason Mraz I'm not giving up on us, but essentially I am. Is it dumb to have given up without ever trying, probably, yes. But is it not better just to remember things as they were and how this fantasy of us getting married, and having a beautiful old house with a fireplace that we can sit by and read to each other. If I messaged her and got a definite no, that dream would be shattered. Am I making sense? Anyone?
My Gecko Sexuality
As most of you know I would call myself occasionally gay. Some days I feel more straight while other days I feel gay. Today I've realized a new level to my confused sexuality. Climates. I never was a huge fan of biology, chemistry was always my thing, but I'm going to try to do my best. There are two types of blood types in the sense of cold blooded and warm blooded. Well I assume Geckos are cold blooded. Cold blooded animals can adapt to changes in temperature as long as those changes aren't too drastic. Well my sexuality is a cold blooded gecko. While I'm around certain friends or in hotter temperatures if you will, I am straight. While I'm around other friends or colder temperatures my gaynicity is much more prominent. For example, while at work tonight a customer came by and I briefly chatted with him. He was pretty gay. After chatting with him (in my perfectly not high pitched voice that is. I never really understood that, and frankly, I think its annoying) I was totally adapting to the temperature. I started to notice more guys as they came through the doors. Awhile later though, the same thing happened with a pretty girl totally changing my climate and the temperature I was used to.
Tonight I went out with some friends to chat. We talked about life, kids, and marriage. My friends had their views to share, and I was eager to listen. But I didn't have too many hopes of mine to share. It's not because I don't have hopes, It's because my hopes are constantly shifting. My entire future is a shifting uncertain thing, and the worst part is I feel like a majority of it is based on what I choose about my sexuality in this next year. Hear me out though, depending on my sexuality I could very well choose a different college, meet a different love interest, either be disowned by one of my parents and not be really welcomed in the house or be fine by them. My future is such a scary thing. I need a break from this world, and sleep is my drug of choice.